• Tue, Sep 19, 2017
Features

The Indian Metalolympic Contingent

columns Aug 16, 04:14pm

To bring you up to speed, you can never spell Metalolympics without LOL, nor can you ignore…

A PAPER BY DR. REJINDRAN 


To bring you up to speed, you can never spell Metalolympics without LOL, nor can you ignore the athletic prowess of the Indian metalheads. They are fit…for a beer belly and have extremely powerful trapeziuses from all the cranial gesticulations, aka headbanging for the uninitiated.

I have compiled an ultimate team for the betterment of humanity, and for the Indian Metal Community, in the form of easy reading. This paper is part of my on-going theses on the Systematic Induction Of Metalheads into Modern Society and Its Impact on said Modern Society. Presenting the Indian Metalolympic Contingent.

Men’s 1500m Screaming: Shashank Batnagar of Permanent Inc.

This competition is monumentally insurmountable and most athletes lose miserably. This event has been a sure-fire career graveyard for many athletes. Hell. I have seen them go insane and run around in circles, totally disoriented, screaming the names of their respective gods halfway through the race.

India is fielding three-time gold medal champion, Shashank Batnagar of Permanent Inc. to compete and come back with his fourth medal to make India proud. The hours of practice will hopefully make sure that Shashank trumps over his archrival Manuel “ShamanScream” Ortigos of Mexico. Manuel won the previous Metalolympic game, denying Shashank his quadruple medal haul in screaming for a really long time. Shashank is doubly angry due to this.

Water Lolo: Riju Dasgupto of All, But Ross.

This event is just like Water Polo, but you have to demean the person swimming next to you who quickly demeans the person next to him and so on and so forth. Although this will all be in jest and good humour. Three hundred years of Metalolympics, and I have to teach you people the basics.

Anyway...Water Lolo will see India’s premium Loloist – Riju Dasgupto of All, But Ross contesting for glory. Riju has never won this before, so the victory will be doubly sweet if he does! Riju Dasgupto was last seen memorizing the pages of “The Guide to Olympic level Punning” and researching the various internet words keenly.

Synchronised Screaming: Vinay Enkatesh and Sunneith Rewanker of Khalnayak Maut

This event has been resurrected for the 2012 Metalolympics after being dormant for the last two Metalolympic events. This time, India is fielding Vinay Enkatesh and Sunneith Rewanker of Khalnayak Maut to go against the bigwigs of Synchronised Screaming, namely; Bosto and Bill from Ukraine, Buttvis and Beavhead from United States and finally, Devin and Townsend from Canada. The Synchronised Screaming event used to be a great success in the yesteryears of the yore, but was forgotten with the hype surrounding the very famous swimming event – StageDive. Vinay and Rewanker hope to bring India its first Synchronised Screaming medal. 

Discuss Thrower: Sahil McIjah of Formspring Fame.

Discuss Throwing is an event of epic proportions. This event has made headlines over and over again for its dangerous ways causing many crushing injuries…to the ego. Discuss Throwing involves deft manoeuvrability, skilful handling of pressure and the pronounced ability to Discuss things of great importance. Questions like ‘When was your band formed? Can you please cover Black Sabbath? Can I get link for song download your album? Can you buy me a drink?’

Sahil McIjah will go against seasoned Discuss Throwing champions. Hopefully, McIjah’s training has been well. I have my hopes on him, especially because he is the only person going to the UK.

Next time: Dr. Ibn Metali Khan will present his findings on certain Twittering Metalheads and their cerebral make-up.  

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