1. Sell Kidney; Buy Mac: No doubt that the kidney is a vital organ of the body – that’s not even up for debate. It’s not like it’s the appendix or the spleen or even the tonsils. But do remember that, at the beginning of this story, when you’re just an aspiring DJ and not an actual one, you have two kidneys and zero Macbooks. If you play your cards right and have the right contacts, you can easily get in touch with the underground organ trade mafia. After that, you just leave it to them and hope they only take out one. But if all goes well, then you have one kidney and around Rs. 1 lakh cash soaked in your own blood. Ideally, you should get a Macbook Pro but you can make do with an Air as well even if the Air doesn’t have a CD drive. Because most big DJs, who earlier used records and then shifted to CDs, have now made the transition to USB drives. (Please don’t even bother showing up with an Acer or Dell or something, OK? You will be laughed out of town.)
2. Sell Tonsils, Buy Fancy Sunglasses: As implied above, the tonsils are pretty much useless. But if you’re enterprising enough, I’m fairly certain you can get a buyer who’ll pay decent-ish money. Take it.
Once you do, you can invest in dapper sunglasses. You may not realize it, but sunglasses are very important if you want to be a DJ. They are part of the act, even if most DJs generally tend to “perform” inside pubs or after dark. But that’s missing the point; the point of sunglasses, or shades, is not to protect your sensitive retina from the evil gleam of the sun gods. It’s purely cosmetic, and adds to your brand.
3. Buy a Body-Hugging Muscle T-Shirt (Does Not Apply to Women DJs): Thankfully, you won’t have to sell any more organs for this. And if you can’t even afford a tight, muscle-enhancing T-shirt from Jack & Jones then becoming a DJ may not be a smart career choice. Try a punk band instead. (Ideally, the tees should be accompanied by tight tights.) Also, you’ll have to start visiting the gym quite frequently once you get these tees because the biceps have to flare out from the tiny sleeves.
Which brings us to…
4. Start Weightlifting: The purpose of weightlifting actually goes beyond just becoming bulky and muscular. It’s also about endurance. See, as a DJ, you will have to learn this one particular move, where you keep your left hand raised in the air for over a minute with one finger pointing to the sky, multiple times during the set. It can get quite tiring, and your shoulder will hurt, so it’s best to reach the venue prepared.
5. Acquire an American Accent: It doesn’t even have to be American, really. It can be anything as long as it’s a white-people-accent.
6. Party Hard: This one’s pretty self-explanatory. There’s no such thing as too much ecstasy, right?
7. Regular Servicing of Your Spacebar Key: Since you already own a Macbook now, you should make sure the Spacebar key is fully functional. A lot of people think being a DJ is all about hitting the Enter key on your laptop and dancing with one finger pointing upwards. It’s not so let’s not trivialize the art. It’s actually the Spacebar key that’s all-important. It’s your Play, Pause, Stop. It’s your very heartbeat, so treat it with care.
8. Get on to Social Media: You may think that social media is important for being a DJ as it helps you promote your brand and any upcoming events, or if I’m being particularly generous, “gigs”, that you may have. But that’s not it. The real reason is because there will be times when you’re up there on stage feeling that thrill of performing live and you will be so damn bored and lonely because you’ve already pressed the Play button and that’s when you’ll feel this relentless urge to just check what’s happening on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram. And Google Plus if you’re a bad DJ with no friends.
9. Look Constipated: See, when you’re pretending to twiddle all those ultra-sensitive knobs on your expensive equipment, you have to make it look hard. Make it look the opposite of easy. Make it look like you’re giving it everything you’ve got, like you’re a blues guitar player playing a 20-minute long solo about heroin addiction and having no money and no family. It can’t look simple, even if all the equipment has been ergonomically designed in a way that every knob and button is just the right amount of touch-sensitive. That’s not important – you still have to appear to be struggling. But not too much. That’s why you hide the eyes with sunglasses.
10. Buy an Instrument: Preferably a guitar slung around your shoulder. A keyboard would do just fine too. Even something percussive works. But it has to be there. You don’t have to actually play it; it just needs to be there for appearance’s sake, is all.
11. Learn to Dance: You gots ta groove, moron.
12. Brush up the Lingo: You have to be with it. So don’t make the mistake of EVER calling a mash-up a “remix”, you Luddite. Get with the programme or get out.
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