I just heard the new song by Priyanka Chopra, called ‘In My City’, and I won’t lie, it’s atrocious. It’s so bad that I had to wash my ears with Dettol first, followed by a family pack of Q-Tips. But this is sort of like her music debut so we should cut her some slack. Plus it’s easy to understand why a celebrity of that stature would branch out into alternate professions. There’s no need to get into the details, but safe to say, the reasons are a complex mix of ambition, boredom, and delusions of grandeur. Nevertheless, despite the probable overdose of auto-tune on the track and an army of capable professional sessions musicians training her at every step, she still does suck, and with all due respect, maybe singing is not for her. I haven’t seen any of her films, but I do know she’s very rich and famous. But then, if she doesn’t want to stick only to Bollywood and television advertisements and performances at award ceremonies and high-profile weddings for big bucks, then there are other options which she can explore while she figures out another successful career parallel to tinsel town.

1. Expert Analyst – Cricket: These days, everyone seems to pretend like they hold all the answers to how the Indian cricket team can improve substantially from its despicable current position. Never mind the fact that the Indian team has managed to hold the top ranking in test cricket, won the most recent ODI world cup, and has also won the T20 world cup, all in the last five years. Yet every defeat is treated like it’s the end of the world, and expert commentary from generally clueless people is commonplace. She’s already quite articulate, and most likely has a PR coach who tells her exactly what to say and with what inflection and facial expression and body language and eye movement to make sure she comes across as pleasant. Well, Navjot Singh Sidhu is pleasant, and while I’m sure he’s unconventionally sexy to some, he isn’t half as hot as she is. So she can automatically slot into those expert panel discussions following every game of cricket that India loses and feel good about herself while she speaks utter garbage.

2. Call Centre Team Coach: Now, I’m fundamentally against the idea of call centres for multiple reasons, but they do generate employment opportunities for confused youth in a poor economy. And as far as I know, they have specialized staff members who teach newcomers how to speak in American accents. Priyanka Chopra would ace that job without batting a fake eyelash – ‘In My City’ has quite a pronounced American accent in its vocal delivery, you know, ‘cos she travels a lot and stuff.

3. Internet Viral Sensation: If she’s really serious about this whole music business, then she could simply shoot a campy and ridiculous video of the song with her in outrageous costumes dancing foolishly. That seems to work for most internet consumers – they really do not concern themselves with the actual quality of the song or the art in question – and ‘Gangnam Style’, which has already racked up more than 300 million views, is on its way out and there’s very soon going to be a void on YouTube and the internet that needs to be filled ASAP via a ridiculous video of a terrible song. Enter Priyanka. At least it could generate a few honest laughs without any malice directed at her cluelessness or perceived lack of talent

4. Dancer: This might be cheating just a tad, because Priyanka Chopra’s a Bollywood actor. And everyone knows being a Bollywood actor means that she can dance better than she can act (or sing, for that matter). Since she’s already skilled in that department, maybe she should just branch out as a dancer of some sort. Although dancing back-up for a big troupe is probably out of the question, but I’m sure she’s enterprising enough to make it work.  

5.  Author: Maybe she could attempt a tell-all autobiography. It’s a pretty common phenomenon in the west, and one that hasn’t quite caught on here because…well, getting into that would open quite a can of worms. Let’s just say that it isn’t that common in India. In any case, she could pioneer the genre and spark a trend that would lead to a bunch of celebrities penning their autobiographies for fans to lap up and realize what their idols are actually like. What could possibly go wrong? Of course, she would need to have it ghost written.

Basically, any profession that doesn’t involve violating the eardrums of an impressionable generation would do.

PC fans can go call the author names on his Twitter